Teed Off Thursday: Gluttons, March Madness & The Slam Dunk Contest

3-2-1…1-2-3…what the heck…is bothering me?  At least this week.

1) People who eat food in line before they pay for it.

So I’m standing in line at Blockbuster and this dude/gal (I honestly couldn’t tell which) just grabs a bag of Doritos off the shelf and starts munching on them.  Seriously?  I hate when people do this.  You are about 2 minutes away from the counter…you can’t wait?

“But I’m going to pay for it anyway,” they say.

That’s not the f***in point!  How fat and greedy do you have to be to eat in line?  Or a better question, how f***in’ self absorbed and entitled do you have to be?  Did your parents never teach you about patients?  I mean, it’s not like this was a sandwich in a buffet line or something…it’s f***in’ chips!  If you were really starving, chips ain’t the answer anyway you tub of lard (and yes the dude/gal was slightly large).  I suggest some serious impulse control.  Or I hope the next time you bite into a Nacho Cheese triangle it breaks off and slices your trachea!

2) Sports — like life — is not fair.  Get over it.

I am so tired of people expecting everyone and everything in sports to be equal.

“It not fair this superstar gets calls.”

“The BCS standings aren’t fair.”

“It’s not fair they buy championships.”

“It’s not fair that this team was left out of the tournament.”

“It’s not fair…” oh shut up already!

I have a quote for you, “Fairness does not guarantee equality of conditions – it only guarantees equality of opportunity.” Meaning I don’t care about the NCAA men’s basketball tournament teams that are left out because some small school got an automatic bid.  There are 64 f***in’ slots, you couldn’t earn one?  Who told you to be #64 or #65?  No need to go to 96 teams.

Do I care about those small schools automatic bids?  Yes.  Because without those automatic bids, those conferences wouldn’t have the opportunity to compete.  Now they get waxed because their conditions — high profile players and coaches — are not the same, but they still get the opportunity.  These 27-5 bubble teams are afforded the same opportunity to win a slot in the tournament, they just fail to win.  So who cares if you can’t get into the tournament?  You couldn’t beat the teams already in when giving the chance, so why should you get another?  Maybe you don’t think it’s fair, but it’s right and that’s all that matters.

P.S. – This all stems from our need to give everybody a trophy, win or lose.  Somebody has to lose.  Somebody has to be left out.  Otherwise what’s the point in winning if the person you beat gets the same reward?

3) The Slam Dunk contest was anything but a slam dunk.

The problem was that the contestant weren’t excited about their own dunks, so who else was going to be excited?  The dunk contest is a SHOW!  It’s a swagger-fest.  Vince Carter could do a simple tomahawk, but he’d sell it to the crowd like he just walked on water and they’d buy it.  But when Shannon Brown, Gerald Wallace and DeMar DeRozan just dunk, slap each other fives and sit down…who the hell cares?  When the announcers are poo-pooing the entire event, who the hell cares?  Where’s the drama?  The competition?  The warrior spirit?

Yes, they need star power to sell it, but the dunk contest has also been notorious for making stars too.  It’s about showmanship.  Nobody knew who Nate Robinson, Spud Webb or Jason Richardson was until they won dunk contest with flare.  Dwight Howard wasn’t Mr. Twitter or an endorsment king or an MVP candidate until he participated in the dunk contest.  So I don’t want to hear all this, “we need LeBron” nonsense.  The dunk contest just needs people who actually want to be there and make a name for themselves.  People who actually want to show off.  That’s what the dunk contest needs.  Otherwise it might as well be a boring time filler like the Super Bowl halftime show.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter