Family Man's Secret Headquarters
Leave your masks at the door.

Feb
04

I love it when a movie makes me feel better about my own life.  A movie should bring hope for a better tomorrow to it’s audience.  Even if we disagree with the way the hero achieve it, we should still  at least be thinking about a different or more realistic way of reaching a better tomorrow, which in turn means we are visualizing a better tomorrow.  So we now, if not before, believe in a better tomorrow.  And that, to me, is the magic of movies.

That is why I do not watch foreign (or most independent) films.  They are too depressing.  They would have us believe that life is misery, death and torment, for no reason at all (unless it’s to intentionally/comically torture us) and that we are powerless to do anything about it.  That we should just be grateful for our meager and unhappy conditions because it could be far worse.  They tell us happiness is an illusion or a silly childish dream only a fool would aspire to possess.  Or that happiness is like an eclipse that comes for a day then leaves for years and we must enjoy it, but not get attached.  And they sell it to us by calling it “art,” art to complex for the “simple-minded” to comprehend, as if their film is a glimpse into the thoughts of an intellectual.  Though really it is art much in the same way my two-year-old empties his toy box all over the floor when he’s upset.  Or art in the same way my ten-year-old draws WANTED posters of the authority figures who punish him.  Individual truth is completely different from the truth.

And I’m not here to debate what is truth and what’s not, but what is truth is that if these “artist” really believed life is misery, death and torment and that they are powerless to do anything about it, then they are cowards — though most of them choose the cowards synonym: “realist” — for two reasons.  Either a) they are afraid to try, to be vulnerable while attempting to change their situation and the “real life is inevitably miserable” excuse is a cop out or b) they genuinely believe life is misery, that they’d be better off dead, but they are too frightened of death to kill themselves.  Again, to cowardly to be “better.”

But here’s the rub, if they really did believe life is misery, nothing more than a cruel joke, and they did decide to off themselves, that would be doing something about it, which would just undermine their whole premise and prove we are not fated to misery (and therefore suicide is unnecessary and once more…cowardly).  We are not fated to do anything.

Well, that’s not true.  Everyone does have a fate or destiny — whichever you choose to call it — people just misunderstand what that means.  Fate is not some book of life with the final chapter already written, no matter what we do.  Again, that’s the cowards view (and quite frankly, lazy).  The truth is that fate is more of a certain destination we will inevitably arrive at if we continue down a particular road.  That is our fate.  But what a lot of people don’t understand is that at ANY point in our lives, we can choose to stop traveling that road and turn off onto a new road (the phrase “turn the corner” comes to mind), thus creating a new inevitable destination that may be better, or may be worse, that’s for us to find out for ourselves.  This is what a good movie should show us.  This is life.

When I watch movies — good movies — I either identify with the protagonists deep-seeded fears of exploring that new road (after-all, we are all cowards about something) as he or she tip-toes into the unknown or I admire the heroes reckless abandon as he or she jumps onto the new path before truly analysising where it goes.  And it doesn’t matter how things turns out for either of them.  That’s right, allow me to add, that it doesn’t always work out for the lead in a good movie.  You win some, you lose some, right?  But it’s always a choice and the good movie’s hero will always try.

Or not try.  That’s a choice too.  A choice that the hero will have to live with when the credits roll and his story is over.  As do we all.  I love movies because, the good ones, always remind me that everyday I wake up I can make a choice that will make today better than yesterday.  That we are never “trapped” anywhere, in any situation or on any road, we only need to rebel against our doubts, stand up to our fears and turn the corner and there is hope for a better tomorrow.  And no matter how it all ends, no matter the outcome, there was a choice.

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Mar
11

3-2-1…1-2-3…what the heck…is bothering me?  Honestly, it’s Pittsburgh Steelers Quarterback, Big Ben Roethlisberger

1) If you think your money and status affords you the right to mess around with tons of beautiful woman, you’re right.  Now act like it.

Let me get this straight, you athletes — Not just Big Ben — think that your money and status gives you the right to drape yourselves in potential video vixens, anytime, any place, but you choose to hang out in the same shady clubs you’d party in if you were broke?  Then what’s the point of being rich and powerful?  You are not “keepin it real”, you’re keepin’ it stupid.  Any Joe-Prince-Charming can pull the 20-year-old drunken sexpot into a dirty bathroom and go to town.  If that appeals to you, then why are you wasting your time as a celebrity?  That’s like becoming a gourmet chef when all you want is toast.

People with Roethlisberger’s money and notoriety should be at private parties and upscale gentleman’s clubs.  Believe me, the females will be just as sexy as the college park co-eds, only far less likely to accuse you of sexual assault.  They understand and respect the rules of engagement.  You get cookie, they get dough.  No one talks.  It’s pretty much a portable Vegas.

Think of Susy Ann College Student as a rookie, or actually worse than a rookie.  She’s the high school superstar desperate to get her shot at the big leagues, so when she actually earns a try outs, she tries to hit it out the park every time or attempts a fancy dunk or one-handed catch and somebody gets hurt.  That someone is you.  But while we’re on sports analogies…

2) If you wouldn’t sign a free agent to your team without an evaluation, don’t f—in’ bring women into your life without a conversation!

I never understood how these high-profile athletes would never approach the guy at their gym bench pressing like a grizzly bear and jumping rope like a kangaroo and offer him an instant roster spot, but they are willing to f— the first pretty face that walks by.  Consider beautiful women sex athletes.  Just because they are incredibly athletic, flexible and charismatic, doesn’t mean they are good for your clubhouse.  You have to freakin’ get to know them, their background, their experience, etc…

But I get it, all that stuff takes time.  You need them for a “game” tonight.  Well that’s why you need to build a rotation.  You should have 2 or 3 go-to-girls that you can trust to fulfill your needs on a semi-regular basis (you can even have 1 in each city you travel too).  So then when you go out to clubs and pick up women from the — classy — bars they don’t instantly spend the night.  That position is filled.  They enter the farm system.  This way you can still use your “eye for talent” and experience the thrill of the chase, but you aren’t so f—in’ desperate that you’d get into bed with a head-case just to release some tension.  There is nothing worse than an oversexed, rich athlete driving the bars looking for a late score.  You lose all your leverage and judgment at that point.

After the new girls prove they are trustworthy, they can enter the rotation and you can drop whichever girl you’re tired of, leaving them with a hefty severance package (remember, you have the money for a reason).  If that’s too much work for you, well there are plenty of “businesses” out there that will farm gorgeous women for you.  Use them.  You may think it’s dirty, but it’s better to be in bed with a professional gold-digger than an amateur one, right?

3) Ladies, if you are tired of being assaulted…stop targeting men whose day job is to beat the snot out of people.

I know it’s not popular to blame the ladies, but f— it, I am.  Just like the guys shouldn’t expect to date a club hopper and not pony up the benjamins, little girls shouldn’t expect to milk a cash cow and not get kicked every once in a while.  If you want a guy to treat you with respect, how about you f—in’ seek out men that are respectful!  If money is more important than respect, don’t be mad when you don’t get any.

We constantly chastise these men for continuously chasing tail after despite the public failed exploits of Tyson, Kobe, Calapari, Dirk and the list goes on — including…well Big Ben, you’ve been on this list before — but nobody ever asks why all these little girls continue to trap themselves in secluded areas with famous meatheads without a second thought.  Wake the f— up!

I’m not saying that you ladies can’t date athletes, I just wish you’d emphasize the “date” portion.  If you go into the bathroom or hotel room with someone — anyone — you just met, you are the playing with fire.  But that’s what excited you about it, right?  The danger.  Well everyone loves playing with fire until they get burned.  I’m not saying that these girls deserve to be raped or assaulted, But then again, I don’t think anyone deserves to be attacked by a shark either.  Still, if you jump in the water during feeding hours, you can’t really be surprised it happened.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Mar
04

3-2-1…1-2-3…what the heck…is bothering me?  At least this week.

1) How do you miss a urinal?

I now know why bathrooms have black floors.  It’s to piss me off.  I hate when you walk into a men’s room and there is a puddle underneath the urinal, but the black floor keeps you from identifying the liquid.  Part of you hopes it’s water from a leaking pipe, but be serious…it’s a puddle under a urinal.  You know what it is.

And who the hell gets to the urinal and then decides, “no thanks, I’d rather pee on the floor.”  How f—in’ drunk do you have to be to miss a urinal?  You practically just stick your junk inside a box.  They have brought the toilet up to you!  It’s point blank range, there is no aim necessary.

And it’s even worse when the floor liquid is half drying.  How long has it been there?  No one comes in to clean this up?  Shameless.

2) the NBA MVP debate has turned into an ass kissing contest.

I’m tired of the smoke and mirrors.  All week I’ve been hearing how Kevin Durant has made his way into the MVP “discussion” like that’s some kind of accomplishment.  Like he can put “the discussion” on his mantle and show his grandkids.  And do you know why he’s in “the discussion?”  Because he’s a hot young star on the rise and if all these lame ass reporters want to be able to get interviews with him in 5 years they need to be able to say, “I never doubted your skills.”  There is nothing to lose if you praise a guy and he doesn’t pan out.  Not even credibility.

But these reporters would never give the MVP to Kevin Durant this year because “he has plenty of time to win one later.”  That’s bullsh– too.   Either you’re an MVP type of player or your not.  I don’t care if you’re 16 years old or you’re 40 preparing for your curtain call or if you won the award 5 times in a row.  This isn’t that plate of brownies your mom made for everyone in your second grade class to share, it’s a f—in’ earned award.  If you earn it, you get it!  It’s that’s simple.  Now “how” you earn it is a completely different argument.

3) Losers should not get medals.  I’m looking at you silver and bronze.

I’m sorry, but I just can’t stand loser trophies.  You never really see NFL or NBA teams showing off their conference championship trophies.  All that means is that they lost in the Super Bowl or Finals.  You never see Dwyane Wade sporting his third place MVP finish.  So why do Olympians show off their silver and bronze?  My high school yearbook quote was, “I don’t mind coming in second as long as no one else is first.”  Second place is the first loser.

This is not a beauty padget where the runner up could become Miss America if the reigning champion gets sick, breaks the rules or opposes gay marriage.  In sport, if you lose you lose.  Silver and bronze makes athlete content with “placing.”  That is not what competition is about.  I’m not saying you can’t be happy finishing 2 out of a field of 8 — impressive — all I’m saying is you shouldn’t get a f—in’ prize for it.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Feb
27

Welcome to the March BADness Championship round!

In 2009 we took the 64 baddest movie characters on the planet, ranked them by notoriety (from Icons to cult heroes), and pitted them against each other in the ultimate tournament to see who is the biggest baddass in the history of cinema! Let’s get ready to rumble!

Round 1

Round 2

Sweet 16

Elite 8

Final Four

In perhaps the biggest upset in history, Batman was defeated by John McClane! But ya know, being a badass is about knocking the big dogs off the porch so that’s what happened. Here we are though, in the final matchup, winner take all.

Click to view enlarged championship bracket:

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John McClane vs. John Rambo

Battle: So this is pretty much grit against grit, which makes it extremely difficult to call, so let’s just look at the tale of the tape. To start off I will say this, neither man ever ran away from a fight, but Rambo often times went looking for one…be himself. McClane was a guy who often times “found” himself in the middle of a fight, and that’s not very badass like. On the other hand Rambo had a couple of breakdowns and gave up violence all together, but in Live Free or Die Hard John McClane also gave up life on the streets. Both were eventually drawn back into that life however, Rambo made the choice…McClane again was dragged. I think this choice is obvious at this point. Rambo is the biggest badass in movie history.

Click to see enlarged full bracket

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The Baddest Man on the Planet:

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Feb
26

Welcome to the Final Four of March BADness!

In 2009 we took the 64 baddest movie characters on the planet, ranked them by notoriety (from Icons to cult heroes), and pitted them against each other in the ultimate tournament to see who is the biggest baddass in the history of cinema! Let’s get ready to rumble!

Round 1

Round 2

Sweet 16

Elite 8

The big dogs are barking! And honestly, I really can’t think of a better final four. And I don’t feel sorry for any of the losers, you can’t feel sorry for a badass, that just makes them want to kick your ass.

Click bracket to get enlarged view

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(2) Rambo VS. (4) Shaft

Battle: Wow, talk about a culture clash. It’s the baddest mutha f—a on the planet versus the toughest mutha f—a on the planet. Normally the baddest would win since this is a badass competition, but toughness counts too. When we look at the full scoop of things, Rambo took on entire armies. Shaft took on entire crime organizations. Shaft get points for being black in the 70’s, but Rambo gets points for serving in Vietnam. I honestly can’t decide who was hated more and that’s saying something. And niether of them gave a s— about what other people thought of them.

Shaft had the greatest theme song of all times, but Rambo popularized hunting knives and machine guns. Lemme stop staling and pick a some-f—in’-body. If it was a chick, I’d pick Shaft, but one on one, Rambo wins. Call it an upset if you want.

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(1) Batman VS. (2) John McClane

Battle: Let’s have these guys switch places for a second. Just for fun. Picture John McClane trying to stop the joker from blowing up those boats. He’d definitely be a lot more entertaining than Batman. He’d probably make fun of the Joker until exploded (the Joker’s temper, not the boats). Now picture Batman going up against Franz, whoever was in part 2 and Jeremy Irons? Franz would’ve been toast, the airport would’ve been saved and he wouldn’t need Samuel L. Jackson to solve those stupid riddles.

McClane has braved through way more injuries than Batman, but that’s because it’s virtually impossible to injure Batman. Then again, it also must be noted that Batman wears loads of armor while McClane kicks ass in just a wife beater. And I think that seals it for me. John McClane is what being a badass is all about, getting down and dirty, no excuses no fear…let the chips fall where they may. John McClane pulls off the upset of the century!

(P.S. – I also want to note that I had Batman penciled into the championship round already, but while writing this I thought of that last paragraph, so that’s just how close it was for anybody upset that Batman was eliminated. If the writers of the movie – all 6 of them – had just stuck to the comic book/cartoon and left the armor at home he’d have been a shoe in)

Next: Rambo and John McClane duke it out to see how will be the king of Badasses!

THE CHAMPIONSHIP AHEAD —->

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Feb
25

3-2-1…1-2-3…what the heck…is bothering me?  At least this week.

1) You know you smoke too much weed if you can’t get to work until 11 am

That’s just ridiculous.  So I was trying to rent something from an independently own video store here in Los Angeles (for work of course, who goes to video stores anymore? Netflix!  And even Blockbuster has Total Access) and I come to find out the video store doesn’t open until 11 am.  Are you f—in’ serious?  We all know that video store workers are probably the biggest potheads on the planet, but functional potheads can still get to work at a f—in’ decent hour.  10am at the latest.

If you can’t get your ass out of bed and to work until 11am, you should probably take a long hard look at your life and think about what your missing.  Oh and by the way, the video store in question closes at 6pm.  That’s not even a 8 hour workday!  Before you factor in lunch!  What the f— are they doing?  Wake up – smoke weed – go to work –  go home – smoke weed – smoke more weed – go to sleep – repeat.  Okay, I don’t say this much, but these people don’t deserve life.  I’m sorry it’s true.

2) Scott Lago is a kid.  Let him enjoy his life.

I must have been asleep a lot longer then I thought, because apparently I woke up in a world where everyone is perfect.  Or at least everyone not interesting enough to be followed around by cameras is perfect.  But since I’ve obviously been sleeping, can anyone out there tell me what’s the controversy with Scott Lago’s photos?  Did you not earn the damn medals?  He can do what he wants with them.  I don’t care if he dropped trou and used them as a d— hoola hoop.  They are his medals.

Or a better question, what’s different about the snowboarders photos?  Athletes have been behaving that way since the beginning of time.  I guarantee you that even back in Rome’s heyday, the gladiators got drunk and murdered peasants for the fun of it from time to time.  It just wasn’t caught by TMZ.  Shoot, a 60-year-old Joe Namath did this on live TV.  Could you imagine the snapshots that would have been captured on his iphone at age 21?  The only athlete in the history of sports that was probably squeaky clean would be Jackie Robinson.  And that’s because he had no f—in’ choice.

Can we relax a little and just let kids be kids?  Or better yet, let parents, parent.  Why does everyone try to scrutinize young people, judge them and punish them like it’s their business?  If I was Scott Lago’s dad or older brother (I’m not that old), yes we’d have a talk.  But to send the kid home is ridiculous.  How about you just take away his friends iphone.

3) ESPN is suspending Tony Kornheiser for what?

What you pay him to do?  Tony Kornheiser is paid to be be funny and analyze people.  Is that not what he did to Hannah Storm?  Tony is the guy you pay to talk about American Idol.  A music show that couldn’t be further away from sports, that’s not on your network, nor a part of your parent company’s — Disney — olive branch.  But he can’t criticize a woman’s — who happens to be an ESPN employee — wardrobe or age?  Is that really worth a suspension?  Couldn’t you have just gave Hannah Storm the floor to retaliate?  Or let Michael Wilbon, his Pardon the Interruption (PTI) partner, take her side in a rebuttal?  Do we really need to suspend anyone who says anything negative?

I understand these guys are not professional — or even amateur — comedians, but give me a f—in’ break.  It damages your credibility ESPN.  People already believe that ESPN’s mouthpieces are censored by the powers-that-be and forbidden to speak ill of golden boys like Brett Favre, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning.  Your just making it worse by censoring a juvenile heckling.  I mean if he can’t say that, he damn sure can’t be honest about what he thinks of the way ESPN covers Monday Night Football.  It’s a slippery slop.  You pay these guys to banter.  That means someone has to say something stupid or why else would we watch?

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Feb
25

Welcome to the Elite 8 of March BADness

In 2009 we took the 64 baddest movie characters on the planet, ranked them by notoriety (from Icons to cult heroes), and pitted them against each other in the ultimate tournament to see who is the biggest baddass in the history of cinema! Let’s get ready to rumble!

Round 1

Round 2

Sweet 16

We are down to the top ten, and this group is so badass they kick two of the pansies out already so its just eight. Are these guys the top 8? Maybe, maybe not, but no one else was bad enough to take their spots so I’d say yea.

To view a enlarged elite 8 bracket click below

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(1) Batman vs. (2) Lara Croft

Battle: It’s gadgets vs. gadgets, mansion vs. mansion, obsession vs. obsession. Batman has taken on some of the worlds most dangerous criminals but Lara has taken on some of the worlds most dangerous elements. Since Batman is one of comic’s most beloved vigilantes and Lara is the hottest video game vixen ever created, I can’t go on anything here but my gut. Brawn over beauty…Batman wins.

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(4) Shaft vs. (11) Casey Ryback

Battle: Look, Casey Ryback is a one man wrecking crew but we’re talking about Shaft here. Shaft made it cool to be a badass. Ryback has finally reached his breaking point here. Shaft wins.

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(2) Rambo vs. (9) Riddick

Battle: Finally Rambo faces a man! No offense ladies, but geez. This is one matchup I’d actually like to see in a fist fight. But you know what, Rambo is just too much of a legendary badass to loss this one. Rambo wins.

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(1) James Bond vs. (2) John McClane

Battle: Finally James Bond meets someone who is just as good at their job as he is John McClane. And finally McClane meets someone who is just as trained as he is. Everyone already knows the tale of the tape, so let me just say this, nobody and I mean nobody is better at a spur of the moment crisis then John McClane. James Bond pretty much only deal with assignments and relies so much on his gadgets that he wouldn’t really stand a chance. And besides, can you really trust a badass in a tux? What badass you know where’s a tux? McClane wears dirt, that’s a staple of a badass. Yippe Kay Yay mutha f—a!

Click image to enlarge

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FINAL FOUR AHEAD —->

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Feb
24

Just like the Surrogates, this movie tries too hard.

Family approved for ages 10 and up

I can’t say that I had high expectation for Surrogates, but I did have expectations and it damn sure didn’t meet them.  How do you cast Bruce Willis as a futuristic cop and not let him do any futuristic cop sh–?  There were what…maybe two action sequences in the entire movie.  Oh and by the way…neither of them was at the climax.

And preachy much, Jonathan Mostow?  Damn.  Tell us how you really feel about social networking via the internet.  I mean geez, I don’t like societies over-obsession with virtual communication either (I type as I blog on the net) but I’m not trying to tell people what to do or what to think.  At least not like Surrogates resolution.

I compare Surrogates to I, Robot — which I loved — and Surrogates just doesn’t stack up.  I, Robot had action, suspense, mystery, plot twists and at the end…nobody said Robots were bad or good.  Sure Will Smith hated them, but he was countered by Robertson’s infatuation with robots and at the end…Will Smith’s character came to accept the robots while remaining aware of their dangers.  Ambigious.  Let the audience decide what they should think.

So what stood out about Surrogates?:

  • It was very visual to find out that the hot blonde the kid thought he was leaving the club with was actually a fat middle-aged pedophile.  Very true.  Happens all the time in chats.  Makes me cringe.  Makes me want to hug my kids.
  • It was stupid to say that 98% of the world population is using surrogates considering that today, there is no way 98% of the United States — let alone the whole world — uses a computer…or even electricity for that matter.
  • It was funny to see Bruce Willis beat the hell out of someones surrogate while they laughed it him.  We all know “internet gangsters.”  I hate them.
  • Oh and speaking of I, Robot…did you notice that the same guy who created those robots created the surrogates?  And twice, he had to kill himself to protect society from his inventions.  You’d think he’d have learned by now to stop doing that sh–.

All in all I’m glad the movie ended with virtually no possibility for a sequel.  However it was such a good premise and so poorly executed that it leaves room for a reboot and that makes me sad.

Final grade: D+

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Feb
24

Welcome to the sweet 16 of March BADness!

In 2009 we took the 64 baddest movie characters on the planet, ranked them by notoriety (from Icons to cult heroes), and pitted them against each other in the ultimate tournament to see who is the biggest baddass in the history of cinema! Let’s get ready to rumble!

Round 1

Round 2

In round 2 we seperated the men from the boys…and girls and then exposed pretenders as 9 seeds Mrs. Smith and Riddick moved on along with Casey Ryback of Under Siege.  Now it’s time to pick thee elite characters in the pack!

Click here to view an enlarged sweet 16 bracket

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(1) BATMAN vs. (4) JACK SPARROW

Battle: The real question here is how does Jack beat Batman?  The answer is, he can’t.  He couldn’t manipulate the bat, he couldn’t befriend the bat, you couldn’t be more physical than the bat and the bottom line is he’s not tougher than the Bat, which is what this competition is all about.

Batman by a mile.
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(9) MRS. SMITH vs. (4) SHAFT

Battle: Very interesting matchup here, you have sexiest badass ever versus the most macho badass ever.  The tale of the tape is neck and neck, but just like with all fighter you have to ask yourself, who did they beat? On one hand Mrs. Smith fought her own husband to a stale mate and then took out a bunch of henchmen.  Shaft has beaten drug kingpins and the like as well as demolishing their henchmen.  The edge goes to Shaft, can ya’ dig it?

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(11) CASEY RYBACK vs. (2) MAXIMUS

Battle: At it’s core this battle is soldier vs. soldier.  One man wrecking crew vs. one man wrecking crew.  On one hand Ryback blew up submarines, dissected trains and survived freezing cold waters.  On the other hand Maximus defeated armies survived slavery.  But you know what, Maximus’s fighting spirit was severely damaged and Ryback’s never wavered.  I’m calling an upset here.  Ryback by the narrowest of margin’s.
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(9) RIDDICK vs. (4) JASON BOURNE

Battle: An intergalactic killer goes up against a guy who hunts international terrorist.  I had to think about this one for a long time and here’s the conclusion that I reached.  As kick ass as Jason Bourne is he has one major flaw in a badass competition, one thing the other 15 badass on this list cannot claim…he is marriage material.  Aside from being shot at, he’s kind of the perfect guy isn’t he?  He’s been loving them for years…never leaves ’em.  He’s not the bad boy, he’s the guy you take home to mama.  Riddick can give a girl that danger rush and make the guys think twice about stepping on his toes.  Advantage Riddick.
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(6) ASH vs. (2) JOHN MCCLANE

Battle: This is probably the most intriguing matchup of them all.  There is really no way to compare them to each other, so I just gotta go with my gut.  Who is more badass?  John McClane screwed up everything else in his life, but the one thing he was born to do was be a cop and stop the bad guys.  he don’t screw that up.  Ash stood face to face with evil, but my gut says McClane just doesn’t lose.
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(1) JAMES BOND vs. (4) SARAH CONNOR

Battle: Really, when it’s all said and done, James Bond was an unstoppable force when he locked onto a target.  Sarah Connor spent most of her time as a target on the run.  James Bond is just a little more clever than and brainless futuristic robot.  Bond wins.
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(3) ELLEN RIPLEY vs. (2) JOHN RAMBO

Battle: Boy would this be the domestic dispute of all times or what?  Could you image Rambo trying to hit Ripley?  But at the end of the day Rambo was an awesome killing machine.  Advantage Rambo.
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(3) JOKER vs. (2) LARA CROFT

Battle: Holy smokes this is a clash of the titans!  This could have easily been a finals match up and I wouldn’t be mad at that.  But seeing as how it’s now lets dive in.  Joker is probably thee most sadistic killer any city has ever seen, but the only reason he’s still alive is because Batman refuses to kill him, and can you really be badass when you don’t even control your own fate?  Lara Croft on the other hand would probably have little trouble ending the clowns life.  the trump card is this…Joker would go insane trying to get that coldhearted b—- Lara to crack a damn smile causing him to make a mistake and get killed.

Click here to view an enlarged bracket for the elite 8

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ELITE 8 AHEAD —->

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Feb
23

Welcome to round 2 of March BADness!

In 2009 we took the 64 baddest movie characters on the planet, ranked them by notoriety (from Icons to cult heroes), and pitted them against each other in the ultimate tournament to see who is the biggest baddass in the history of cinema! Let’s get ready to rumble!

For Round One click here.

As with most tournaments round 1 didn’t have many upsets.  Most notably was Marvel’s Bullseye besting Hip-Hop’s legendary gangster Tony Montana, but in this round it’s time to weed out the garbage.  Let’s begin!

Click Thumbnail to enlarge bracket.

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(1) James Bond:He had his balls bashed in and didn’t utter a word.

(8) The Punisher: He once psychologically tortured a man with a blow torch, steak and a Popsicle.

Winner – This is a tough call. The Punisher is very cold and calculating, but James Bond is a guy you rarely see sweat.  I kinda of think of it as, “what if James Bond was ordered to take down the Punisher because of his terrorist ways?”  Punisher would almost certainly view Bond as a criminal in his undercover mode, so the fight would be on. Gadgets vs. Guns.

After a heated battle, I think Punishers soft spot for his family and longing to return to them would seep into his subconscious and give Bond an opening to make the kill.  Badasses hide their emotions.  James Bond wins.

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(14) Bullseye:  He nailed a fly to the wall by spitting a thumbtack from across the room.

(6) Ash: He went back in time and wrecked shop in the middle ages with a “boomstick” (shotgun) and a chainshaw.

Winner – Look, Bullseye is dope, but Ash is just an ass kicker.  He’s taken on demons before, I think Bullseye would be easy pickens for him.  Anyone who cut off there own hand knows how to deal with pain, so Bullseye would get in his shots, but Ash prevails.

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(7) Zorro: He was an originator of carving your name into your enemies so they remember you.

(2) John McClane: He is the creator of the most badass catch-phrase of all time, “yippe-Kai-yay muthaf—a!”

Winner – John McClane.  If you need an explanation then you should probably stop reading this now.

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(6) William Wallace: Slit the throat of his wife’s killer.

(3) Ellen Ripley: She gave birth to an alien through her stomach and still survived long enough to hold onto it as she fell into lava fire.

Winner – Very tough call.  There toughness resumes are almost dead even, but the core question is who is more badass?  And the answer is never say a woman giving birth is not the toughest being on the planet.  Ripley Wins.

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(10) Snake Plissken: Saved the world while dying from an infectious disease.

(2) Maximus: defeated a king while dying from a mortal wound.

Winner – Snake Plissken was a little too much of a jokester to out badass Maximus.  It was hard to take him serious at times, while Maximus was just a wrecking ball of destruction.  Maximus wins.


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(7) Lee: Possess the fast punch known to man.

(2) Lara Croft: Took out a gang of stone warriors with a spear.

Winner – Another tough one.  But again, Lee was so calm and collected that I would fear Lara Croft a lot more.  Lara just a far superior list of accomplishment and most importantly she gets the style points.  Just look at the way she carries her guns and clips all while remaining feminine and accessorizing.  Lara is too tough for him.

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(3) Joker: Robbed a bank with like 7 people and killed all of them before escaping with the cash.

(11) Capt. Steven Hiller: He was the lone survivor of an alien attack killing one protected by a force field.

Winner- Aliens are very simple to understand, they want to kill us, they have superior technology and they use it.  The Joker is a lot more complicated to understand.  I think Captain Hiller is a little out of his league here. The most creepy clown in history wins this one.

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(4) Jack Sparrow: He continually pursues his best friends girl – that is if he had friends – right in front of his face.

(5) Martin Riggs: He tried to date his partners daughter right in front of his face.

Winner – Look, when it comes down to it Riggs is still confined to upholding the law.  Jack Sparrow has no law, not even the pirates law.  Sparrow wins.

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(1) Batman: He dropped a gangster off a short window hoping he’d survive the fall.

(8) Alonzo: He used his own son as a shield in a gun fight.

Winner – Batman has defeated thousands of Alonzo’s, sometimes in one night.  Batman wins.

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(4) Jason Bourne: He rode a man down a 10 story fall while shooting enemies along the way.

(12) Nino Brown: Stabbed a man’s hand to the table and then choked him with a dog leash.

Winner – As bad as Nino Brown in, if you wanted to take him down without the undercover work, you’d have to send in a guy like Jason Bourne. Someone badass, fearless and pissed off.  Bourne wins.


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(3) Dirty Harry: Interrogated a guy with a dirty plunger.

(11) Casey Ryback: He made a time bomb out of a microwave.

Winner – Dirty Harry was a loose cannon, but at the end of the day he wasn’t trained to be that way.  Casey Ryback was trained to be unstoppable and he was.  Casey Ryback wins this one any way you slice it.  A shoot out, a fist fight, a pissing contest…Ryback wins.


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(4) Sarah Connor: Turned herself into a toned killer by doing chin ups on a clothing bar.

(5) Robin Hood: Nearly drowned a man twice his size in 2 feet of water.

Winner – Robin hood just doesn’t seem to have that killer instinct in him, which is crucial to the badass debate.  Sarah wins.


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(4) Shaft: He’s so badass that New York traffic stops for him.

(5) Hannibal: cut the top of a man’s head off to cook his brain.

Winner – Shaft.  Hannibal was a bad dude, but could you imagine if Shaft was the one chasing him and not little Jodi Foster/ Julianne Moore?  I mean would the movie have been the long?  Don’t you think Hannibal’s cockiness would have been smacked down a little bit?  Shaft would whoop his ass.


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(1) Indiana Jones: Cut a rope bridge he himself was standing on over a pit of hungry crocidiles.

(9) Mrs. Smith: dressed up as a mistress, handcuffed a man and then snapped his neck.

Winner – Look, I know that Indy was tough, but wasn’t he also part nerd?  Is that badass?  Mrs. Smith was all killer.  Mrs. Smith gets the upset here.


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(1) Han Solo: He punk’d Jabba the Hut.

(8) Riddick: He killed a man with a tea cup.

Winner – This is interesting because it’s the first space bad boy vs. the new space bad boy.  However when it comes down to it, Han spent a lot of time running away to live to fight another day, while Riddick faced all his problems head on and enjoyed it!  That’s the true mark of a badass.  Riddick wins.

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(7) The Bride: Took a buckshot like a champ and then dug herself OUT of her own grave.

(2) John Rambo:  He is a one man army who rescued a dozen Vietnam POW’s solo using nothing but exploding arrows.

Winner – Remember in the last round Rambo took of O-Ren Ishii, The brides enemy, so now let’s say the two of them meet over her dead body and the Bride is pissed she was denied her revenge.  If these two go mano-y-mano, who’s badassness wins out?  Again, I have to go with Rambo.  Every skill the Bride has, Rambo has twice over.

Click Thumbnail to see enlarged bracket of round 3 matchups.

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SWEET 16 AHEAD —->

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter