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March BADness 2009: A Tournament of 64 Movie Badasses

This March I plan on putting 64 of the nastiest, most evil movie characters up against each other to find out which one of them is the most evil of them all in a MARCH MADNESS tournament.  Last year in 2009 I did this, a MARCH BADNESS tournament to find out who the most badass character is of all times.  But it’s probably new to you, so catch up.  The March MADness tournament starts Monday March 1st, but until then…

Welcome to March BADness!

So, to be straight up about it, a couple of my peoples and I thought of this idea at some point last week and later found out that AMC was doing the same thing, name and all. But if I may say so myself ours is way f—in’ cooler than theirs is for a couple of reason’s:

1) We are only listing real badasses! No superpowers (sorry Spidey and Wolverine), no supernatural powers (better luck next time Buffy and Jedi) and no magical powers (hit the bricks Gandoff and Wicked Witch of the West), these are just good old fashion ass kickers that do it without juicin’!

2) We don’t f—in’ discriminate. If a girl wants to be a badass she’s going to have to kick guy butt. End of story.

3) This ain’t about who’s your favorite. If that’s the case we already know who would win.
This is about who is so badass they could kick the other person’s ass. Whether they carry swords, guns, bazooka’s, whatever. You just have to be hardcore enough to win and your rap sheet has to show it.

We took the 64 baddest movie characters on the planet, ranked them by notoriety (from Icons to cult heroes), and pitted them against each other in the ultimate tournament to see who is the biggest baddass in the history of cinema! Let’s get ready to rumble!

Click Thumbnail to enlarge.

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ROUND 1

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(1) Batman: Once tied a Mob boss to a spotlight to announce his arrival in Gotham City.

(16) Agent 99 – Get Smart: Once snaked her way through a laser security system in evening attire.

Winner: Obviously Batman. Although both work outside the law, Batman is obsessedly focused (yea I made up a word), while Agent 99 has enough low self-esteem that she was dupped by Agent 23 and chose to date Maxwell Smart.

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(8) Alonzo – Training Day: Known to interrogate suspects by punching them in the throat, forcing them to choose which testicle he’s going to blow off, and dumping cripples out of their wheelchairs.

(9) Agent K – Men In Black: Known to interrogate suspects by just blowing their heads off.

Winner: Alonzo. Agent K may have blow aliens heads off, but he knew they’d grow back. Alonzo shot his own friend over some dope.

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(8) The Punisher: A former Special Forces/FBI agent whose family was murdered and goes on a mission to punish the guilty.

(9) John Matrix – Commando: A former Special Forces agent whose daughter was kidnapped and goes on a mission to punish those who took her (and get her back).

Winner: The Punisher. Look, both men went on revenge quests for their family, but the Punisher didn’t just destroy his victims physically, he first destroyed them mentally turning them against each other before he blew them to bits.

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(8) Anton – No Country for Old Men: a sociopathic hitman who treats his own shotgun thigh wound.

(9) Riddick – Pitch Black: a sociopathic killer who had his eyes replaced so he could see in the dark.

Winner: Riddick. As dark and sadistic as Anton was, who’d he kill…Josh Brolin and Tommy Lee Jones? Riddick slaughter a hord of photosensitive aliens with just a knife and took out the mercenaries (not just town sheriffs) who were after him.

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(8) Dom Toretto – Fast & Furious: The king of California street racing who once played chicken against a train and enjoys having sex onto of cars.

(9) Mrs. Smith – Mr. & Mrs. Smith: A super spy who once tried to kill her own super spy husband and enjoys having sex during fist fights.

Winner: Mrs. Smith. As big as Dom is, he’s actually just a street thug who’d put up little resistance against this mean wifey.

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(3) Joker – Batman: A fan of magic tricks and once made a pencil disappear by driving a man’s eye through it.

(14) Inigo Montoya – The Princess Bride: Once got stabbed 4 times and still manned up to kill the man who murdered his father.

Winner: Joker. After he almost died from laughter at this poor souls whimpering over his dead father, Joker would surely put a smile on his face in the end.

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(3) Tony Montana – Scarface: Florida’s most notorious gangster who once tore a man apart with a chainsaw.

(14) Bullseye – Daredevil: A notorious hitman who once killed a grandmother with a peanut.

Winner: Bullseye. This one is close, but Tony’s uncontrollable anger would be his undoing as he sprayed bullets all over the wallpaper while Bullseye took him out with a single paper clip.

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(3) Ellen Ripley – Aliens: She was the winner of the most gruesome catfight of all times taking out the Alien queen with nothing but a robotic suit.

(14) Clarence Boddicker – Robocop: A career criminal who literally blew a cop to bits and then went toe to toe with the robot he created.

Winner: Ripley. Despite his bravado, I’m pretty sure at the end of the day hers is bigger than his.

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(3) Dirty Harry: A police inspector who once stood on a man’s gunshot wound to get him to confess the location of a buried girl.

(14) Alex Wagner – Double Impact: An international smuggler who once crushed a man’s arm in rotating gears and then dropped him 30 stories off a construction site.

Winner: Dirty Harry. Let’s be real, he was an original badass. So bad people still compare future badasses to Dirty Harry.

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(6) Dutch – Predator: A Special Forces soldier who went into gorilla warfare to best an alien with superior technology.

(11) Capt. Steven Hiller – Independence Day: A marine pilot who flew into the alien’s own spacecraft and took out an entire race of aliens that have superior technology.

Winner: Captain Hiller. The descriptions say is all. After Hiller stood face to face with an alien and knocked him out with a single punch, he then blew up the entire race and still had time to make fireworks for his stepson.

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(5) Robin Hood: A master thief who once saved a companion by shooting his would-be-executioner with a flaming arrow.

(12) Catwoman – Batman: A master thief known to walk in public wear nothing but skin tight leather.

Winner: Robin Hood. Catwoman is basically a female version of Robin Hood and the copy is never greater than the original, and her biggest weapon is her seduction, which may not work a guy that prefers to hang out with merry men.

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(5) Michael Corleone – The Godfather: The leader of the Italian mafia who once shot a cop in the face.

(12) Nino Brown – New Jack City: The leader of the Cash Money Brothers who once strapped the cop’s dead snitch to a bomb in an attempt to kill cops.

Winner: Nino Brown. I know this comes as a surprise, but in the end Michael couldn’t even off his own brother, opting to order someone else to do it. Nino murdered his best friend, since childhood, which is like a brother by himself. A true badass handles his own business.

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5) Hannibal – Silence of the Lambs: A psycho killer who once bite a police officers nose off while handcuffed.

(12) The Scorpion King: An assassin who once buried up to his neck he a fleet of deadly flesh eating scorpions with his chin.

Winner: Hannibal. I mean let’s be serious, Hannibal ate people. He f—in’ ate people.

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(5) Martin Riggs – Lethal Weapon: A depressed cop famous for dislocating his own shoulder to escape bondage and popping to back into place.

(12) Simon Phoenix – Demolition Man: A psychotic killer who is known to snaps necks in public, in broad daylight.

Winner: Martin Riggs. Riggs goes up against guys like Simon Phoenix all the time and truth be told I think he’s just as crazy. But when it comes down to it Riggs doesn’t fear death, he welcomes it. That’s his ace in the hole.

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(1) Han Solo – Star Wars: A callus gunslinger smooth enough to shoot a man from under the table.

(16) Bishop – Juice: A crazed gunslinger who once shot his rival in cold blood after they escaped the cops together.

Winner: Han Solo. Isn’t he really the ultimate bad boy? Bishop is just too damn crazy to be considered a bigger badass than Han.

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(1) Indiana Jones: An archeology professor who once shot a man in a sword fight.

(16) Terry Silver – Karate Kid III: A Karate teacher who manipulated a kid into busting his hands on a wood board.

Winner: Indiana Jones. He’s been lovin’ ‘em and leavin’ ‘em for years. He’s battled Nazi’s, had his heart ripped out and fathered an illegitimate son. Plus anybody who can pass Christ’s test is a badass in my book. And Terry Silver picked on a kid.

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(6) Ash – The Evil Dead: Once severed his own hand with a chainsaw because it was possessed and trying to kill him…and then he used the chainsaw as a hand.

(11) Sho’nuff – The Last Dragon: Has a reputation for slapping people with the glow.

Winner: Ash. I mean he cut off his own hand people.

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(6) William Wallace – Braveheart: A farmer, who defeated an entire kingdom with a village of men and sat silently as he was hung, racked and disemboweled before being beheaded.

(11) Elektra – Daredevil: An assassin whose weapon of choice is Sais and will only date guys who ass she can’t easily kick.

Winner: William Wallace. Wallace slaughter dozens of men in a single day and never blinked, Elektra went soft really fast.

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(6) Axel Foley – Beverly Hills Cop: A black Detroit police officer, who wasn’t always a cop, known to frequently harass rich men in Beverly Hills and escape custody.

(11) Casey Ryback – Under Siege: A Special Forces soldier, who wasn’t always a cook, known to take down entire terrorist team solo.

Winner: Casey Ryback. Let’s be honest, reeking havoc on a bunch of rich white collar snobs in Beverly Hills isn’t in the same league as single handedly (unless you count his stripper sidekick) busting up terrorist skilled enough to take over a military vessel.

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(4) Jack Sparrow – Pirates of the Caribbean: A pirate’s captain who’d sell his own mother for profit.

(13) Mr. Smith – Mr. & Mrs. Smith: A trained assassin who defeated an extermination squad inside of a mini-van.

Winner: Jack Sparrow. Jack is so badass you can never trust him, whether you’re his best friend or a complete stranger, he’d sell you down the river for a single piece of gold. Plus the man has been to hell and back twice, I think he can handle a man who got beat up by his wife.

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(4) Sarah Connor – The Terminator: An overprotective mother who escaped a mental institution with a syringe full of bleach.

(13) Castor Troy – Face/Off: A deranged criminal who stole the face of rival.

Winner: Sarah Connor. She’s a self-trained soldier, which means she knows how to kill, but not how to control it. That’s makes her very dangerous. Castor Troy is ruthless, but can’t be worse then the indestructible robots Sarah has faced in the past.

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(4) Jason Bourne – The Bourne Series: A super spy who is capable of killing a man with a book, pen or magazine…a literal paper magazine, not a gun mag.

(13) Foxy Brown: A scorned widower known to castrate men.

Winner: Jason Bourne. While Foxy Brown may have ruled the streets, Jason Bourne took on the CIA and lived to tell the tale.

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(4) Shaft: Shaft is a…shut yo’ mouth.

(13) El Mariachi – Desperado: Once slaughtered an entire bar with the contents of his guitar case before shooting his own brother.

Winner: Shaft. Dude, come on…it’s Shaft.

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(2) Lara Croft – Tomb Raider: A sexy treasure hunter known to wear booty shorts in arctic temperatures.

(15) Chev Chelios – Crank: Once fell from an airborne helicopter and didn’t die.

Winner: Lara Croft. Look, I’m sold on the badass way she does back flips, draws her gun and shoots while in midair, but as soon as she figured out Chev had a bad heart it’d be over.

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(2) Maximus – Gladiators: Once killed his enemy after being stabbed in the chest before the battle began.

(15) Mike Lowry – Bad Boys: A Miami P.D. officer who once lead a team of police officers unsanctioned into Cuba to extract his kidnapped girlfriend.

Winner: Maximus. This dude was a cold-hearted slave who killed the man enslaving him. While Mike actually has “Bad Boy” in his name, he was a lot more smooth than badass.

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(7) Lee – Enter the Dragon: A martial arts student who could kill a man simply by jumping on them.

(10) Ghost Dog: A hitman who once hid under a man’s sink and shot him while he was brushing his teeth.

Winner: Lee. A hundred times Lee. Considering he was the inspiration for Ghost Dog this was an easy one.

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(7) Zorro: A Mexican vigilante, who once used his sword to slowly undress a woman.

(10) Miho – Sin City: A deadly and mute assassin who has only had non-lethal contact with one man.

Winner: Zorro. This one was really tough. I mean Zorro is taking down entire empires of evil dictators and leaving his mark so they know he did it, but Miho could cut a guys head off while eating a sandwich. What’s makes it easier is the fact this would be a straight up sword fight and when you really think about it, Zorro has years of experience while Miho is just a kid.

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(7) The Bride – Kill Bill: An elite assassin with the secret knowledge of the five point palm exploding heart technique and the ability to snatch out your eye before you blink.

(10) xXx: A legend of the extreme-extreme games turned American superspy who using his daredevil ways to protect America from terrorist threats.

Winner: The Bride. She annihilated hordes of ninjas and ripped a chick’s eye out man! xXx is just too green for her.

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(7) Frank Martin – The Transporter: A punctual wheelman known to beat guys up with articles of clothing.

(10) Snake Plissken – Escape from LA: An ex-military lieutenant turn criminal who sent the entire earth back into the dark ages.

Winner: Snake Plissken. Look I can sit here and list the badass things Snake has done, but it much to just mention that Frank Martin once dumped motor oil on himself and rolled around in it with a bunch of dudes, and that is not badass at all.

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(2) John McClane – Die Hard: A New York City who foiled numerous terrorist plots, once in his bare feet and wife beater.

(15) Vincent – Collateral: A sociopathic hitman who hits 5 targets in one night, throwing one target out a window.

Winner: John McClane. John McClane eats hitmen for breakfast, especially ones who get killed by cabbies.

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(2) Rambo: A special forces Vietnam veteran known for being a one-man army and instinctual killer.

(15) O-Ren Ishii – Kill Bill: Head of the Yakuza and leader of an elite band of assassins.

Winner: Rambo. Look Rambo is the guy you call when the Yakuza assassins are up to no good. He’d had no problem smacking this little girl down.

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(1) James Bond: A British super spy known to foil international world domination plots while drunk.

(16) Doc Holiday – Tombstone: A Wild West cowboy, known to be the fastest draw ever. He gunned down some of the best for years after given just months to live from TB.

Winner: James Bond. This one is closer than people may think. In a gun fight Doc Holiday wins easy, but taking in the fact he was deathly sick during most of his badass years, Bond with put him out of his misery quickly.

Click Thumnail to enlarge.

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ROUND 2 AHEAD —->

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

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