Teed Off Thursday: the Ben Roethlisberger Special

3-2-1…1-2-3…what the heck…is bothering me?  Honestly, it’s Pittsburgh Steelers Quarterback, Big Ben Roethlisberger

1) If you think your money and status affords you the right to mess around with tons of beautiful woman, you’re right.  Now act like it.

Let me get this straight, you athletes — Not just Big Ben — think that your money and status gives you the right to drape yourselves in potential video vixens, anytime, any place, but you choose to hang out in the same shady clubs you’d party in if you were broke?  Then what’s the point of being rich and powerful?  You are not “keepin it real”, you’re keepin’ it stupid.  Any Joe-Prince-Charming can pull the 20-year-old drunken sexpot into a dirty bathroom and go to town.  If that appeals to you, then why are you wasting your time as a celebrity?  That’s like becoming a gourmet chef when all you want is toast.

People with Roethlisberger’s money and notoriety should be at private parties and upscale gentleman’s clubs.  Believe me, the females will be just as sexy as the college park co-eds, only far less likely to accuse you of sexual assault.  They understand and respect the rules of engagement.  You get cookie, they get dough.  No one talks.  It’s pretty much a portable Vegas.

Think of Susy Ann College Student as a rookie, or actually worse than a rookie.  She’s the high school superstar desperate to get her shot at the big leagues, so when she actually earns a try outs, she tries to hit it out the park every time or attempts a fancy dunk or one-handed catch and somebody gets hurt.  That someone is you.  But while we’re on sports analogies…

2) If you wouldn’t sign a free agent to your team without an evaluation, don’t f—in’ bring women into your life without a conversation!

I never understood how these high-profile athletes would never approach the guy at their gym bench pressing like a grizzly bear and jumping rope like a kangaroo and offer him an instant roster spot, but they are willing to f— the first pretty face that walks by.  Consider beautiful women sex athletes.  Just because they are incredibly athletic, flexible and charismatic, doesn’t mean they are good for your clubhouse.  You have to freakin’ get to know them, their background, their experience, etc…

But I get it, all that stuff takes time.  You need them for a “game” tonight.  Well that’s why you need to build a rotation.  You should have 2 or 3 go-to-girls that you can trust to fulfill your needs on a semi-regular basis (you can even have 1 in each city you travel too).  So then when you go out to clubs and pick up women from the — classy — bars they don’t instantly spend the night.  That position is filled.  They enter the farm system.  This way you can still use your “eye for talent” and experience the thrill of the chase, but you aren’t so f—in’ desperate that you’d get into bed with a head-case just to release some tension.  There is nothing worse than an oversexed, rich athlete driving the bars looking for a late score.  You lose all your leverage and judgment at that point.

After the new girls prove they are trustworthy, they can enter the rotation and you can drop whichever girl you’re tired of, leaving them with a hefty severance package (remember, you have the money for a reason).  If that’s too much work for you, well there are plenty of “businesses” out there that will farm gorgeous women for you.  Use them.  You may think it’s dirty, but it’s better to be in bed with a professional gold-digger than an amateur one, right?

3) Ladies, if you are tired of being assaulted…stop targeting men whose day job is to beat the snot out of people.

I know it’s not popular to blame the ladies, but f— it, I am.  Just like the guys shouldn’t expect to date a club hopper and not pony up the benjamins, little girls shouldn’t expect to milk a cash cow and not get kicked every once in a while.  If you want a guy to treat you with respect, how about you f—in’ seek out men that are respectful!  If money is more important than respect, don’t be mad when you don’t get any.

We constantly chastise these men for continuously chasing tail after despite the public failed exploits of Tyson, Kobe, Calapari, Dirk and the list goes on — including…well Big Ben, you’ve been on this list before — but nobody ever asks why all these little girls continue to trap themselves in secluded areas with famous meatheads without a second thought.  Wake the f— up!

I’m not saying that you ladies can’t date athletes, I just wish you’d emphasize the “date” portion.  If you go into the bathroom or hotel room with someone — anyone — you just met, you are the playing with fire.  But that’s what excited you about it, right?  The danger.  Well everyone loves playing with fire until they get burned.  I’m not saying that these girls deserve to be raped or assaulted, But then again, I don’t think anyone deserves to be attacked by a shark either.  Still, if you jump in the water during feeding hours, you can’t really be surprised it happened.

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