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March Badness 2009 Round 2

Welcome to round 2 of March BADness!

In 2009 we took the 64 baddest movie characters on the planet, ranked them by notoriety (from Icons to cult heroes), and pitted them against each other in the ultimate tournament to see who is the biggest baddass in the history of cinema! Let’s get ready to rumble!

For Round One click here.

As with most tournaments round 1 didn’t have many upsets.  Most notably was Marvel’s Bullseye besting Hip-Hop’s legendary gangster Tony Montana, but in this round it’s time to weed out the garbage.  Let’s begin!

Click Thumbnail to enlarge bracket.

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(1) James Bond:He had his balls bashed in and didn’t utter a word.

(8) The Punisher: He once psychologically tortured a man with a blow torch, steak and a Popsicle.

Winner – This is a tough call. The Punisher is very cold and calculating, but James Bond is a guy you rarely see sweat.  I kinda of think of it as, “what if James Bond was ordered to take down the Punisher because of his terrorist ways?”  Punisher would almost certainly view Bond as a criminal in his undercover mode, so the fight would be on. Gadgets vs. Guns.

After a heated battle, I think Punishers soft spot for his family and longing to return to them would seep into his subconscious and give Bond an opening to make the kill.  Badasses hide their emotions.  James Bond wins.

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(14) Bullseye:  He nailed a fly to the wall by spitting a thumbtack from across the room.

(6) Ash: He went back in time and wrecked shop in the middle ages with a “boomstick” (shotgun) and a chainshaw.

Winner – Look, Bullseye is dope, but Ash is just an ass kicker.  He’s taken on demons before, I think Bullseye would be easy pickens for him.  Anyone who cut off there own hand knows how to deal with pain, so Bullseye would get in his shots, but Ash prevails.

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(7) Zorro: He was an originator of carving your name into your enemies so they remember you.

(2) John McClane: He is the creator of the most badass catch-phrase of all time, “yippe-Kai-yay muthaf—a!”

Winner – John McClane.  If you need an explanation then you should probably stop reading this now.

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(6) William Wallace: Slit the throat of his wife’s killer.

(3) Ellen Ripley: She gave birth to an alien through her stomach and still survived long enough to hold onto it as she fell into lava fire.

Winner – Very tough call.  There toughness resumes are almost dead even, but the core question is who is more badass?  And the answer is never say a woman giving birth is not the toughest being on the planet.  Ripley Wins.

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(10) Snake Plissken: Saved the world while dying from an infectious disease.

(2) Maximus: defeated a king while dying from a mortal wound.

Winner – Snake Plissken was a little too much of a jokester to out badass Maximus.  It was hard to take him serious at times, while Maximus was just a wrecking ball of destruction.  Maximus wins.


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(7) Lee: Possess the fast punch known to man.

(2) Lara Croft: Took out a gang of stone warriors with a spear.

Winner – Another tough one.  But again, Lee was so calm and collected that I would fear Lara Croft a lot more.  Lara just a far superior list of accomplishment and most importantly she gets the style points.  Just look at the way she carries her guns and clips all while remaining feminine and accessorizing.  Lara is too tough for him.

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(3) Joker: Robbed a bank with like 7 people and killed all of them before escaping with the cash.

(11) Capt. Steven Hiller: He was the lone survivor of an alien attack killing one protected by a force field.

Winner- Aliens are very simple to understand, they want to kill us, they have superior technology and they use it.  The Joker is a lot more complicated to understand.  I think Captain Hiller is a little out of his league here. The most creepy clown in history wins this one.

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(4) Jack Sparrow: He continually pursues his best friends girl – that is if he had friends – right in front of his face.

(5) Martin Riggs: He tried to date his partners daughter right in front of his face.

Winner – Look, when it comes down to it Riggs is still confined to upholding the law.  Jack Sparrow has no law, not even the pirates law.  Sparrow wins.

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(1) Batman: He dropped a gangster off a short window hoping he’d survive the fall.

(8) Alonzo: He used his own son as a shield in a gun fight.

Winner – Batman has defeated thousands of Alonzo’s, sometimes in one night.  Batman wins.

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(4) Jason Bourne: He rode a man down a 10 story fall while shooting enemies along the way.

(12) Nino Brown: Stabbed a man’s hand to the table and then choked him with a dog leash.

Winner – As bad as Nino Brown in, if you wanted to take him down without the undercover work, you’d have to send in a guy like Jason Bourne. Someone badass, fearless and pissed off.  Bourne wins.


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(3) Dirty Harry: Interrogated a guy with a dirty plunger.

(11) Casey Ryback: He made a time bomb out of a microwave.

Winner – Dirty Harry was a loose cannon, but at the end of the day he wasn’t trained to be that way.  Casey Ryback was trained to be unstoppable and he was.  Casey Ryback wins this one any way you slice it.  A shoot out, a fist fight, a pissing contest…Ryback wins.


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(4) Sarah Connor: Turned herself into a toned killer by doing chin ups on a clothing bar.

(5) Robin Hood: Nearly drowned a man twice his size in 2 feet of water.

Winner – Robin hood just doesn’t seem to have that killer instinct in him, which is crucial to the badass debate.  Sarah wins.


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(4) Shaft: He’s so badass that New York traffic stops for him.

(5) Hannibal: cut the top of a man’s head off to cook his brain.

Winner – Shaft.  Hannibal was a bad dude, but could you imagine if Shaft was the one chasing him and not little Jodi Foster/ Julianne Moore?  I mean would the movie have been the long?  Don’t you think Hannibal’s cockiness would have been smacked down a little bit?  Shaft would whoop his ass.


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(1) Indiana Jones: Cut a rope bridge he himself was standing on over a pit of hungry crocidiles.

(9) Mrs. Smith: dressed up as a mistress, handcuffed a man and then snapped his neck.

Winner – Look, I know that Indy was tough, but wasn’t he also part nerd?  Is that badass?  Mrs. Smith was all killer.  Mrs. Smith gets the upset here.


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(1) Han Solo: He punk’d Jabba the Hut.

(8) Riddick: He killed a man with a tea cup.

Winner – This is interesting because it’s the first space bad boy vs. the new space bad boy.  However when it comes down to it, Han spent a lot of time running away to live to fight another day, while Riddick faced all his problems head on and enjoyed it!  That’s the true mark of a badass.  Riddick wins.

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(7) The Bride: Took a buckshot like a champ and then dug herself OUT of her own grave.

(2) John Rambo:  He is a one man army who rescued a dozen Vietnam POW’s solo using nothing but exploding arrows.

Winner – Remember in the last round Rambo took of O-Ren Ishii, The brides enemy, so now let’s say the two of them meet over her dead body and the Bride is pissed she was denied her revenge.  If these two go mano-y-mano, who’s badassness wins out?  Again, I have to go with Rambo.  Every skill the Bride has, Rambo has twice over.

Click Thumbnail to see enlarged bracket of round 3 matchups.

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SWEET 16 AHEAD —->

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

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6 Responses to “March Badness 2009 Round 2”


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