Family Man's Secret Headquarters
Leave your masks at the door.

How To End Your Addiction To A Sucky Sports Team

Rooting for a national embarrassment is a major problem plaguing sports nation.  If you or someone you know is a passionate 6th, 10th or 12th man for any of the numerous teams trapped in sports purgatories, I strongly urge you to read this thoroughly and pass it on to all who apply.

You do not have to cheer for a loser anymore.  You can turn your fanhood around.  With these 9 simple steps to recovery you just may save someones happiness and hairline…as well as your own.

#1 – Admitting your team sucks

I know this is hard.  You’ve made every excuse in the book.  They just don’t draft well, their coach stinks, the equipment is “archaic”, they’re cursed, they’re owner is Al Davis.  But at some point you have to accept the fact that your team is never going to contend for a championship.  They flat out suck.  Stop arguing whether or not the glass is half full and just admit that the glass is bone dry and always will be.

#2 – Find a “second” team to support

There is no crime in liking two teams.  It’s like having a delicious drink to wash down bad food you can’t throw away because mom made it with love.  If you need an excuse, find a common bond with the second team.  Maybe a star player went to high school in your district or you share the same birthday as the coach.  Find anything.

It use to be difficult to follow a second team for anyone outside of New York or Los Angeles, but with cable and satellite TV it’s as easy as changing the channel.  My advice is to pick a team in your hemisphere.  This way you can watch all their games at the regularly scheduled times and it won’t snow during a home game, when you live in Florida, ruining the fantasy that they are actually your local team.

#3 – Allow your second team to become your first

It’s obvious your original team isn’t making the playoffs, but your new team will.  When they do, cheer hard for them.  Let everyone know you are pulling for this team.  Make wild and delusional predictions.  Completely forgot about your original team in the post season.  Soon people will make the connection.

#4 – Blame your old team for the switch

The people closest to you will notice and question your change of allegiance.  Have a moral ground to stand on.  Maybe the team owner donates money to your opposing political party, or he disrespected your city, or a player cheats on his wife, or they are racist…that’s always a good one.

#5 – Praise your new team

Hanging out with your old friends while supporting your new team is a no-no.

First, make sure your new team does not have any of the moral flaws you listed.  Then boost about how your new team’s QB has balls of steel while your old QB may have starred in the Longshot, brag that they’re bats are capable of scoring in any stadium or that they just drafted the next Magic Johnson.  You must believe.

#6 – Make amends with rival fans, if possible over beer

Go back to all the same message boards and fan site you use to frequent and apologize to the users you’ve called “idiots”, “haters” and those you’ve threatened to “see” outside the stadium before the game, acknowledging that you may have been temporarily insane.  Go back to the bars you’ve been thrown out of for fighting and buy the guys a round while going over your new teams ridiculously unfair upcoming schedule.

#7 – Bury the hatchet with your old team by burying them

Release all that negative emotion you’ve built up for your old team by ripping them a new one every time their game “lowlights” come on.  They deserve it after years of dangling you on the hook with broken promises, unfulfilled trade rumors and seductive promos that tricked you into buying season tickets, yet again, before their inevitable collapse.

It is important that you do this with your new drinking buddies and not inside old hangouts.  You are looking for support, not confrontation.  The healing process cannot begin if your brain is leaking and punctured by chair and bottle fragments.  These people are depressed afterall – just like you were – and are therefore looking for any kind of victory or release.

#8 – Adapt to your new teams roster and style of play

Embrace the culture of the new team.  If they are ground & pound, use a DH or thrive in the half court, just go with it.  Maybe it’s not exciting, but it’s a winner and that’s what you were looking for right?  So what if their players post game interviews are scripted and boring, that’s okay.  Victory taste great no matter how bland, like chocolate.

#9 – Dump all the losers paraphernalia and their fans from your life

All the old memorabilia must go.  Jerseys, beer mugs, fathead posters, and even friends.  You do not need the temptation or the influence.  All it takes is one win among buddies and you’re right back to where you started.  And lets face it, it was probably just a fluke anyway.  You must clean house and enjoy your new life with the contender.  I even recommend moving if you can afford it.

If you follow these 9 steps you will be well on your way to becoming a happy sports fan once more.  It is never too late to begin again.

3 Responses to “How To End Your Addiction To A Sucky Sports Team”

  1. Very funny post. It does seem to go back if you use a process with steps instead of simply jumping ship in one day.

  2. “Hanging out with your old friends while supporting your new team is a no-no.”

    can’t we have both?

  3. How To End Your Addiction To A Sucky Sports Team | Family Man

    […]Do I receive the identical experience from the fabric I bought after i first started on it?[…]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: