Family Man's Secret Headquarters
Leave your masks at the door.

10 Stupid Things Men Just Can’t Live Without


10. Bigotry – I don’t know what it is about us, but we love to harass each other.  It’s funny.  Quite being so soft.  It doesn’t mean we’re bigots or racist or whatever, it just means we think slurs are funny.  And we’re a little mean.

P.S. – Stop putting that s— on facebook and twitter though.


9. Gettin’ a Deal – We love to haggle don’t we?  Not because we’re cheap, but because we just like getting our way.  You ever notice how any story involving a man purchasing something begins or ends with, “I got him from ABC down to XYZ!”  Not, “he went down to…” or even “we agreed on…”  It’s I.  I, I, I.  We could pay the “suckers” price, but it’s the principle of it.

***BONUS****


Our Principles – speaking of principles, we all have rules that just can’t be broken, no matter what.  A man’s apartment could be on fire, but if he voted for the building not to spend money on a new fire escape…that man is not using the fire escape.  He’ll find another way just to prove a point.  He may get burned or even die, but it’s a matter of principle.

Yes, I know this was a misunderstanding.  Some people will believe anything.

Yes, I know this was a misunderstanding. Some people will believe anything.

8. Boobs/Behinds – I do not care if your face is pretty.  I do not care if your mood is gitty.  I don’t not care if your shape is round.  I do not care if your shape is sound.  Guys like curves.


7. Meat – Men like to eat dead animals.  We don’t want substitutes.  I tell you what, next time you see someone selling tofu or soy, you should pay them in monopoly money.  What?  It’s just like the real thing isn’t it?

6. Strip Clubs – They will desire you, they will make you feel like a king.  They will be attentive, they will be impressed.  They will be encouraging, they will be gentle.  But the funny thing is, it’s not the club or the semi-beautiful strippers that are important, it’s the treatment.

5. Sportscenter – I know we just watched all 3 games (9 hours) yesterday, but we didn’t hear it from Stuart Scott’s perspective.  We need to hear what the dud quarterback has to say about his embarrassing performance.  We need to see that viscous slam dunk 10 more times.  We need bullet points to argue with our idiot co-workers who still believes the cubs can win it all.  We need our fix!

No, this is not how Fantasy sports are played.

No, this is not how Fantasy sports are played.

4. Fantasy Sports – This is like playing a video game…only being too lazy to actually play the video game.  Or at least it would be lazy…if we didn’t spend hours and hours analyzing our team(s).  Fantasy sports aren’t something you can half-ass.  You’re either all in or all out.  Cause once you pop…yooooooooou can’t stop.

3. Our Own Space – Whether it’s a garage, a car, a closet, a spot on the couch…our wife or girlfriend (or both, j/k)…whatever it is, men have to have a place no man has gone before or will ever go again.

2. A Legacy – Three best words in the English language, “You’re the best!”  No one wants to be forgotten, but every man wants to be remember as the best at something.  Anything.  Even lint picker.


1. Violence – They say “boys will be boys” for a reason.  Bring on the action blockbusters, bring on smash mouth sports.  Just bring it.  There is nothing that says superiority like physical confrontation.  Who’s smarter?  The guy who can win a fight that’s who.  You can’t hit someone over the head with your diploma.  Just also understand that you can win a fight before it even begins.  There doesn’t have to be a loser.

6 Responses to “10 Stupid Things Men Just Can’t Live Without”

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