Teed Off Thursday: Verizon, NBA Rankings & Racy Super Bowl Ads

3-2-1…1-2-3…what the heck…is bothering me?  At least this week.

1) We are not stupid Verizon.

Let me tell you a short little story.  Once upon a time Verizon wireless came out with an unlimited talk & text plan for $99.  But then their “inferior” competition, T-Mobile, released a unlimited talk & text plan at nearly half the price!  So to compete Verizon decided to drop their unlimited plan down to $69, but that wasn’t all they dropped.  They dropped the unlimited text messaging too.  If you want the unlimited texting, it will cost you $20, which shoots the plan back up to $89.  So all this grand advertising and marketing was for a mere $10 discount?

I’m not here to debate which provider is better, in my opinion they all suck.  But what I do know is that Verizon’s bait and switch advertising is insulting.  I understand you think your coverage and service are better than the rest, but then just f***in’ say so!  Don’t try and pretend you’re a bargain brand, just come out and say, “yea you’re gonna pay more with us, but you’re gonna get more too!”  You don’t see Bounty paper towels trying to pretend they’re cheap.  This sh*t is expensive!  But they tell you upfront.  I don’t buy them, but at least I respect their honesty.

2) Can we please stop ranking teams on a weekly basis.

I know that drooling lifeless fans want to know exactly where their teams rank every second of everyday and the media types are inclined to tell them — regardless of their lack of god-like all knowing powers — but can we be reasonable please?  Let’s ask the right questions.  Because the right question isn’t who is the playing the best right now, the right question is who is the favorite to win the championship right now?  Those are the ranking people should care about.  I really don’t care that the Chicago Bulls are on a hot streak today, because everybody knows good and well it’s not going to matter come April.

It is absolutely mind-boggling that the Charlotte Bobcats are ranked ahead of the Boston Celtics — and this coming from a Kobe fan like myself — in these rankings.  Who really believes that the Charlotte Bobcats are favored to win the East let alone a NBA championship over Kevin Garnett and the Celtics?  I know Hollinger does the Playoff Odds and all that stuff, but please don’t even get me started on his asinine formula.  Here are the ranking I want to see.  If you have to bet — today — on one team to win the championship or I kill you…who would it be?  And after that?  And after that?  Those are the only “rankings” that matter.

3) If Janet can’t show her nipples, then two guys can’t grope

Fair is fair.  If Janet Jackson cannot show her boobs, then this “alternative dating” site can’t show their boobs — meaning two men making out like goofballs.  I mean could you imagine the uproar CBS would receive if father’s trying to watch the greatest sporting event of the year with their young children had to explain why the hell two buddies were swapping spit with each other like horny teenagers?  Hell, my kids don’t even watch me make out like that with my wife!

But the point is, people need to chill the f*** out with all the whining and complaining.  CBS said no.  It’s their f***in’ station, and it’s their f***in’ problem when viewers complain about the over-sexuality of TV at 6pm est (3pm pst), so unless the website is going to pony up the fine money for CBS, maybe, just maybe they should leave this alone.  And this is not a message to gay people, this is a message for the website.  Shit, I’m black, but every now and again I am embarrassed by Al Sharpton’s whining and complaining.

**Update** The Washington Post hit the nail on the head, it’s not like this was a political ad to increase gay tolerance and advance important gay rights issues like say, serving openly in the military.  It’s a f***in’ exploitative dating site.  Next!

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Teed Off Thursday: School Zones, Pro Bowl & Tim Tebow

3-2-1…1-2-3…what the heck…is bothering me?  At least this week.

1) People need to slow down in school zones.

Since when did getting to work on time justify running over a child?  I’m sure it doesn’t, but that appears to be the feeling of dozens of motorist every morning the way i see them speed through stop signs and blow past the flashers of parents unloading their children in front of an elementry school.  What’s really disturbing about this is the fact that most of these parents just finished dropping off their own children, and you know they’d be pissed off if someone flattened their kid.  But you know what they say, “anyone driving slower than me is an idiot, anyone faster than me is a maniac.”

Here’s a tip: if you are in that much of a hurry…LEAVE EARLIER!  And what the hell are you so angry about first thing in the damn morning?  F***in’ relax.  I’m sure if you actually did the math on how much time you lose by allowing the little pedestrians to safely cross the street it’d equal about 30 second max.  So don’t blame the crossing guards for your lateness, the problem is you a**hole!

2) The Pro Bowl sucks.

I’m glad they moved the Pro Bowl into being the warm up act for the Super Bowl — when people actually still care about football — but there’s still one little problem.  The game sucks.  I don’t want to hear comparisons to the NBA All-Star game, which doesn’t play defense either.  The difference is in the NBA if you don’t play D’ we get to watch someone get dunked on.  The NFL without Defense turns in a game on pitch & catch during a track meet.

I would much rather see QB’s against QB’s in an accuracy challenge, WR vs. CB in a mano-y-mano showdown, lineman in a tire pushing competition…you know…like a dunk contest for football.  All healthy Pro Bowl selections, not in the Super Bowl must participate.  Let ‘em talk trash too.  Hey it’s not a game, but at least it’d be competitive.  At least pride would be at stake (and you know, it might encourage “running QB” to practice quarterbacking since their shame would be on full display).  Because getting the best gridiron players on the planet together to play two hand touch is like getting gladiators together for a tickle fight.

3) People — specifically the National coalition of Women’s group — need to get over themselves.

Let me get this straight, Tim Tebow and his mother want to run an ad during the Super Bowl that talks about how she was advised to abort her 5th child who turned out to be the greatest college football player ever Tim Tebow (sarcastic) and this women’s group calls that anti-abortion?  First of all, isn’t everyone anti-abortion?  Is there anyone out there screaming “go abortion, go!”  No.  The term is pro-life, just like the flip side is pro choice and not anti-life.

Which brings me to my next point, isn’t this ad pro-choice too?  As far as I can tell (without having seen the ad) it does not suggest, hint at or beg for abortion to be outlawed (which would I guess make it “anti-abortion”) all it does is present a case for what could happen if you “choose life,” which in my opinion every mother should and probably does think about before going to a clinic.  See, the thing about being pro-choice is…well…you have to have choices.  And that means you need facts to make informed choices.  And that means you have to hear from both sides.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

A Football Game Lasts About as Long as the Average Man in Bed

That’s right, the actual action — the time between the snap and the whistle — average out to about 11 minutes according to this research article.

That’s about as long as the average romp in the hay!  So the next time you hear a guy say he wants to pound that girl like a linebacker, he probably means it.

But seriously.

It’s kind of upsetting.  think about it.  You spend 3 hours of your life every Sunday (who are we kidding, you spend 9) for what?  A microwave version of pigskin?

Is it worth it?

Teed Off Thursday: Arguments, MLK Tributes & Mike Greenberg

3-2-1…1-2-3…what the heck…is bothering me?  At least this week.

1) That isn’t what I meant!

Don’t you hate it when…huh?  Don’t you hate it when…huh?  DON”T YOU HATE IT WHEN YOU SAY SOMETHING AND THE OTHER PERSON DOESN’T HEAR YOU, so you say it louder, but now they think you are “yelling” at them, so they respond with an attitude.  Then you feel the need to explain that you weren’t being mean you were just yelling, but they just flag you off, which makes you get upset too.

Then one of you says something completely unrelated to the topic at hand and now all of the sudden a real argument starts just because you didn’t speak up enough or your significant other is hard of hearing or maybe one of you had the TV too loud.  This is why it’s not a good idea to hold little things inside.  Just a thought.

AP Photo/Danny Moloshok

2) How come nobody ever asks straight white people about Dr. King?

I think it’s great that the NBA plays games on MLK Day.  I mean the guy did give his life so that black people could go to work, not sit at home.  And I think it’s wonderful that the NBA players get to express their personal stories of how Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. influenced their lives during commercial breaks (although some of them act like a deer in the headlight and repeat, “he was a great man”), but how come they never ask any of the white players?

I understand that the foreign players may not be familiar, but why don’t they ask the Luke Waltons and Tyler Hansbourghs of the league how Dr. King influenced their lives?  Are we afraid that they will say, “he made it worse for me?”  Do we think they don’t care?  Or are they uncomfortable with the question?  Do they feel guilty?  I don’t think it’s any of that.  I think we all need to recognize that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had an impact on more than just the black community.  And speaking of which…

3) The black community needs to stop being sensitive.

Yes, I said it.  Mike Greenberg of Mike and Mike in the morning on ESPN made an innocent mistake on MLK day.  Or at least we can’t prove that he made anything else.  And seeing as how we are always ranting and raving about being convicted before a trial, we should give this guy the benefit of the doubt.  He has no priors.

And even if he did make a Freudian slip, so what?  We can’t be so sensitive.  Times have changed.  Barack Obama has raised the bar for all of us and that means our intolerance threshold has to rise too.  We got to be a little bit tougher.  The N word will always be the benchmark, but we have to let go of all the cartoonish and childish insults like “coon” and “jungle bunny.”  We are no longer in a position of weakness.  Let it go.  Right now we act like the boy who cries wolf every time someone growls, meanwhile Rush Limbaugh says way meaner and nastier bullsh*t and it considered the “norm.”

P.S. – try saying Dr. Martin Luther King Junior really fast and see if you don’t mess up.  If you want to know how he got Martin Luther “coon” from that, it’s simple.  King + Junior = Kunior, but he caught himself and shortened it to Kun (coon).  Hey, it hould cappen.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Teed Off Thursday: Negro Dialect, USC & Gilbert Arenas

3-2-1…1-2-3…what the heck…is bothering me?  At least this week.

J. Scott Applewhite/AP Photo

1)  the term “Negro dialect” is not the most offensive part of this story.

What’s offensive is that Republicans continue to b**** about double standards.  Double standards from who?  Don’t come at Barack Obama with s*** that happened in 2002, he was not the head ni black man in charge in 2002.  Barack Obama has forgiven that a**hole who shouted you lie.  Barack sat down with that profiling cop at Harvard.  So why can’t he forgive one of his own?  Barack Obama isn’t sweating the petty stuff anymore, he’s the f***in’ President of the United States!  Being call a “negro” by one white dude isn’t going to phase him anymore.

But I can’t let the Negro dialect remark slide completely.  First of all, Reid might as well had just said what he meant, “he don’t sound ghetto at all,” or “he don’t sound like a jungle bunny,” or even “he’s so well spoken.”  But don’t try to class it up with your Caucasian educated dialect, like we’re too stupid to decode what you’re really trying to say.  That s*** is what’s really offensive!

2) Why is nobody paying attention to what the NCAA is doing to these kids?

If you want to know how I feel about the coaching double standard it’s here.  Though I can’t really fault Pete Carroll or Lane Kiffin for bailing on their respective teams since it’s after the bowls and before recruiting day, but I will say this.  College athletes should be allowed to bolt too.  Without sitting out a year.  I mean it’s “just business” right?  If my son has to go to say…Northwestern for a starting opportunity and then he shines, why can’t he transfer to a “dream opportunity” to start at Ohio State, Florida or where ever he wants to play?

But that’s too student friendly for the NCAA.  The NCAA would rather punish kids for money’s sake.  I mean shouldn’t pretty much every athlete at USC be able to abandoned ship if they want to?  The basketball team was already sacrificed for the “greater good” of the school, which would be okay, except that none of the players currently suiting up had anything to do with the scandal.  So to save some cash, the school throws innocent kids to the lions?  Are these are the kind of people you would trust with your children?  Why can’t the students play and the school forfeit there checks?

3) Do people not understand just how many Americans carry guns?

First of all, a lot of people have guns America.  If Gilbert Arenas was any kind of thug or danger to society he would be arrested already.  There is a reason the authorities and Arenas are trying to work this out civilly.  Let’s all calm down.  I have seen plenty of photos online of normal people posing in the woods holding a shotguns with children in the photo.  So let’s not act like Agent Zero is a monster for carrying a firearm.

However he is an idiot.  Who the hell waves a gun in someone’s face and thinks it’s funny?  A real gun.  When you prank someone the comedy is the fact that you tricked them into believing something obviously fake is real.  Like a giant spider or a space gun.  If you wave a real gun in someone’s face, how do you expect them to react?  They are going to freak out.  Loaded or unloaded.  That’s not funny, it’s normal.  I love Gilbert’s antics, but this is one bit he can file in the round cabinet.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Teed Off Thursday: Holiday Cleanup, Marathons & NBA All-Stars

3-2-1…1-2-3…what the heck…is bothering me?  At least this week.

1) I hate cleaning up after the holidays.

How the hell are you suppose to get rid of a Christmas tree?  Can you be the a–hole who takes up two thirds of the dumpster in an apartment complex?  And if you put up lights, is it even worth taking them down for 300 days just to put them back up again?  Can’t you just turn them off?  These are the questions I hate to answer after the holidays.

Cleaning up after Christmas is usually the point when you realize there are 364 f—in’ days until Christmas and that sucks.  Of course that’s only if you actually clean up the day after Christmas, which nobody does.  So it’s really the day you realize there are 350 more days until Christmas, and that still sucks.

2) Nobody seems to understand “enjoy all good things in moderation.”

First the NBA gives us 12 straight hours of basketball on Christmas day, then college football goes ahead and runs two days worth of bowl games.  And this is after the NFL delivers 9 hours of football on Thanksgiving.  Do these executives think vacation means sitting your lazy a– on the couch all day?  People have things to do.  This is not just a weekend.  It’s bad enough I’m trapped watching marathons of Law & Order SVU, Criminal Minds and Burn Notice…now sports is doing it too?

Look, we all love our professional sports teams, but enough already!  NFL, you go back to two games (screw the NFL Network!) and NBA, please, a double header will do just fine.  There are only two marque match-ups a year anyway.  The Clippers and Suns rivalry lasted 7 games 3 years ago…get over it.  As for college football, START YOUR F—ING BOWL GAMES AFTER FINALS ARE OVER!  Please.  32 days is not a rest, it’s an off season.

3) An All-Star Game is a popularity contest jackass!

Why would fans spend time and money watching a meaningless game if their favorite players aren’t playing?  I don’t care how crisp Jose Calderon’s passes are nor what his PER is (thanks for the worthless stat Hollinger), I want to see Allen Iverson!  The mainstream public doesn’t turn out to Broadway unless there is a headliner, no matter how great the production is.  It is not about rewarding the players — that’s what contracts are for — it’s about rewarding the fans with a blockbuster lineup.

And last time I checked the fans only voted for 10 starters.  The snooty coaches vote for the other 14 spots.  Seems plenty fair to me.  You cannot have your cake and eat it too.  You have to share.  Contrary to popular belief, being “fair” has nothing to do with what “you” think is right.  It’s the result “we” compromise to.

Beaze and all his crazy antics, featured articles and random thoughts are now on twitter @Beazewriter

Teed Off Thursday: Airport Security, College Coaches & David Letterman

3-2-1…1-2-3…what the heck…is bothering me?  At least this week.

1) Flying will be safe for the next month, but then what?

I love how everyone gets all uptight about flying after an attempted terrorist attack…for about a month.  I knew people in this country suffer from A.D.D., but I never thought it would apply to their own safety.  The best part is that people at LAX — one of the country’s busiest airports — were all calm and cooperative about the extra searches and flight delays when they thought their lives were on the line. But give it a week, they’ll all be back to their self-absorbed, impatient and pushy selves.

As for the terrorist themselves, well when you are willing to put explosives in your underwear the game has completely changed.  What if it wasn’t enough to take down the plane, only your genitals?  Any man willing to risk that is certainly committed to attacking our country.  So I have to ask, if someone is that committed can any amount of security really stop them or merely alter them?

2) Ethical and moral standards apply to coaches too

Why does Brian Kelly get praised for sh*tting on his team and his recruits at Cincinnati to pursue his personal and selfish endeavours, but the receiver or running back who tries to pad his stats and improve his draft stock is labeled as “uncoachable” and “immature.”  I understand this is his dream and the opportunity of a lifetime, but what happened to “team first.”

To convince his Cincinnati Bearcat players to “sacrifice” and give everything they have — day in and day out — and then bail on them after they do is completely unacceptable.  I don’t care what the circumstances are, Mr. Kelly (I can’t bare to call him “coach” at this point) owes it to these players to be on that sideline, Notre Dame job be damned.  In Be Cool John Travolta said , “if you’re important people will wait.”  In other words if Notre Dame wanted you, they’d wait a month.  I’ll tell you this, I wouldn’t trust Mr. Me-First with my kids.

3) David Letterman should be banned from telling Tiger Woods jokes

This pot isn’t just calling the kettle black, he’s calling it a n—– (No, he didn’t actually say that, it’s a metaphor…don’t pin this rumor on me).  I mean David didn’t exactly cover his infidelity tracks either, seeing as how he got blackmailed.  Furthermore, Tiger got caught cheating with a bunch of pseudo-celebs and models…David Letterman got caught cheating with the copygirl.  Forget the superficial comparisons and think about the fact that Letterman abused his authority with employees, which isn’t just morally wrong, but legally improper.  I’m not saying he could go to jail, but he could surely be sued.

I really don’t think this is a balloon Letterman should be sticking his pins in.  You pretty much forfeit your right to rib a dirty man when you are laying in mud.  And on a deeper note, how the hell can he make light of adultery in one breath and pledge to take it seriously in another?  Comedian or not, part of the job or not…Letterman should have passed on Tiger gate.  Wouldn’t taking a slight ratings hit have proven to his wife that he knows how wrong he was?  But then again we all expect Letterman to be a jerk, so I guess it’s all par for the course.

Teed Off Thursday: Holiday Shopping, TMZ sports & Undefeated Seasons

3-2-1…1-2-3…what the heck…is bothering me?  At least this week.

1) I want customer service with my holiday cheer

Most stores tend to overstaff for the holidays, but not f—in’ Best Buy.  Trying to find a sales rep in Best Buy is like going on safari and by time someone gets around to helping you choose which camera or computer has the best features they’ll be obsolete.  And when you find one, there is always somebody there trying to jump ahead of you like, “I just have a quick question.”  Bullsh*t buddy, I will f—in’ cut you with a candy cane.

But at clothing stores there is always someone around to help you.  Even though you didn’t f—in’ ask for it.  Exactly what are they going to help you with?  This ain’t Jenny Jones, I didn’t come for a makeover.  I know the style and sizes of the people I’m shopping for or I wouldn’t be here jackass!  Now, Victoria Secret is another story.

2) Be careful what you wish for TMZ Sports

Some things go together like peanut butter and jelly, but gossip and sports isn’t one of them.  There is a reason you never see hardcore hip-hop heads like 50 Cent, Eminem and Jadakiss on TMZ.  No paparazzi at that devils playground has the balls to harass hood-folks with rude-ass questions, or crowd them when they are with their kids.  They will get knocked the f— out.

I’d love to see TMZ be obnoxious to Ron Artest, Jared Allen or Rasheed Wallace.  The Mike Tyson incident should have put the kibosh on this idea a month ago.  Plaxico Burress shot himself, you think he’d have any problem shooting paparazzi?  Sh*t, even Tom Brady’s people took shots at photograhpers invading his wedding.  Tom-f—in’-Brady…shooting?  You have no chance with Randy Moss.  None.

3) Losing is never good

I don’t understand how anyone can say “the New Orleans Saints losing is a good thing” with a straight face.  YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!  The logic that it’s better to get the loss out of the way early so you don’t lose a game “that matters” implies that there is some universal law that says everybody has to lose at some point.  Bullsh*t.  Just win.

How does losing a game get the monkey off your back?  If I’m wearing a bulletproof vest that stops 13 straight bullets and then one slips through, but doesn’t kill me, I’m not thinking, “glad to get that out of the way.”  I’m going to be thinking, “holy sh*t my vest doesn’t work!”  That sh*t isn’t a relief.  I understand that nothing breeds success like failure, but if you never fail…you are successful!

Teed Off Thursday: Decades, Urinals and Tiger Woods

3-2-1…1-2-3…what the heck…is bothering me?  At least this week.

1) The “new millenium” just may be the worst decade ever!

When the clock strikes midnight on the last day of this month, exactly what are you going to remember about 2000 to 2009?  Anybody?  I didn’t think so.  Do you know what this decade gave us?  F—in’ 9/11, social networking, debt and autotunes.  Who the f— wants to remember that?

The 80’s and 90’s had great music, awesome original movies, new styles, great moments in sports and the Olympics…I could go on.  In this decade people just got lazy and copied all the stuff I just listed from the 80’s and 90’s.  Oh we did get something good – first black president Barack Obama – but let’s face it…he’s going to make his mark in the next decade.

P.S. – What the heck are we suppose to call this decade anyway?

2) Sports fans are not animals.  We should not all be peeing together.

The Staples Center is home to the NBA’s most lucrative franchise and yet they still have urinals with the privacy of a forest tree.  I feel like I’m peeing behind an AT&T map.  Can a brotha get some coverage?  A wood divider or something?  I understand the “eyes forward” rule of the mens room, but where is the dignity in just letting it all hang out for the world to see?

Though at least it wasn’t a troth.  Those are the worst.  You know, the long tub that everybody just rains into like a golden fountain.  I’m not saying we should all have private stalls like women, but you wouldn’t have all the girls squatting into a communal drain, so can dudes get the same respect?

3) Please stop comparing yourself to Tiger Woods.

If I hear, “if I was Tiger I would never cheat on my Swedish model wife” one more time I’m going to cut someone.  You have no idea what it’s like to be Tiger Woods.  I am not defending his actions by any stretch of the imagination, but maybe you would never do what Tiger did because you would never be hit on.

No one is approaching your overweight, sloppy, Gap-shopping ass in the club/bookstore/coffee shop/PTA meeting.  And if they were, it wouldn’t be the model who just posed for a swimsuit issue, it would be the doughy receptionist with repressed psychological issues who’s lowering her standards in an attempt to avoid becoming the old cat lady.  Yea, she’s easy to turn down.  Congratulations, you’re monogamous.

A Flat Copy of an Original? Yup, That’s AVATAR!

Is it just me or have we seen this movie before?

And before that?

I could go on, but you get the point.  James Cameron’s Avatar seems like just another we-are-bad but a-few-of-us-are-still-good-and-will-save-you-because-you-can’t/won’t-save-yourselves,  war-bashing, anti-military, misguided-Americans, overly-preachy wannabe blockbuster and who isn’t tired of that?

The only new thing about Avatar is that now, instead of white people destroying cultures for no good reason other than greed, ego and stupidity, the entire human race has gotten in on the action.  So my question is…who do you root for in this movie?

Do you root for your own and side with the humans?  Or do you root for the aliens, who you have no connection with or point of reference to adapt feelings for.  I mean they do have a right to life, but not greater then your own, right?

I said it before Bruno came out and I thought it while watching a similar sci-fi movie in Battle for Tera.  No one wants to watch a movie where they are painted as the bad guy.  It’s not fun to be lectured or vilified when you just want to be entertained.  And I’m pretty sure the 2007 box office proved that absolutely no one wants to watch a movie where our beloved soldiers are demonized.

I still think Avatar will burst out of the gate because of clever and enticing TV trailers that hide it’s underlying anti-military message and rev up the IMAX and 3D factor, but I don’t see it as the smash hit FOX was hoping for.  Especially not with that Lord of the Rings runtime.

Exactly what in this A.D.H.D. plagued world makes filmmakers think anyone under the age of 30 wants to sit in a movie theater for half a school day?

The highest grossing opening weekend in December is I am Legend ($77 million) and I just don’t see James Cameron having the juice to dethrone Will Smith.  This movie will go big internationally (especially in countries that don’t hold America in the highest regard), but domestically, expect a disappointment.  that is compared to it’s over $200 million dollar budget.

Final Domestic Prediction:

Openning: >$55 million

Domestic total run: >$200 million